Ed gazed across the polished expanse of the table at the heavyset man sitting opposite. Alex seemed totally at ease, and gave every impression of enjoying himself. He had been swapping jokes with Andy Burnham since he bustled into the room, and he seemed to get on with everyone, although Tristram Hunt just looked confused when Alex spoke to him. He jumped as Alex sat forward and looked straight at him.
“Better get this particular show on the road, don’t you think, Ed, er, Prime Minister?”
How did he make that sound like an insult? And why did everyone stifle a laugh when he said it? Especially Ed Balls. Ed seemed to take a particular delight in any embarrassment that came his way. He’d always been a little scared of Ed, but Alex was even scarier. A thought floated into his mind: who would win in a straight fight between these two? A scenario started to develop. But Alex Salmond was looking at him expectantly. Better to hold that thought for another day.
“Thank you Alex. Yes, I think that would be a good idea. I call this cabinet meeting, the first cabinet meeting of the new Government of the United Kingdom, to order.” He looked round the table at his colleagues, and ended up meeting Alex’s eye again. The man was sitting forward, leaning his heavy forearms on the table. He had a way of appearing imposing, threatening even. And that superior smile on his face, as if he knew something that he, the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, didn’t… Gamely, he ploughed on. “Now, item one on our agenda…”
Three hours later, he sat back in his chair and watched, dazed, as Alex Salmond made his way out of the room, with much back-slapping and shaking of hands. He even gave Yvette a kiss on the cheek, something that he would never have dared to do. And Yvette didn’t seem to mind, although he was happy to note the poisonous look that Ed Balls shot the new Scottish Secretary.
He had just agreed, no, they, the cabinet, had just agreed (no way was he taking all the blame) to virtually total fiscal independence for Scotland, scrapping Trident and spending the money on the NHS instead, the scrapping of university tuition fees and a supply of Tunnocks Teacakes (both types, the dark chocolate ones too) at all future cabinet meetings. At the end of the meeting Alex had shaken his hand and announced that “the boss would be happy”. He knew who Alex had meant, and it wasn’t the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. The next five years were going to be a nightmare. He wondered if his brother David would consider coming back.
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